Hobbies of the NoLife King
by Miss Megz
Summary: Just what does Alucard do in his free time? Rated because of my dirty mouth
1. Crossstitching

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing or Alucard…not that I'd want to own Alucard. He'd be more work than I could handle

Integra sat behind her desk looking over the paperwork from the last few mission. She had decided that there wasn't enough of a threat to send her vampire and so Alucard had spent the night pestering her before and after the missions, making it impossible for her to get any work done. Tonight she was taking advantage of a vampire free evening and getting the paperwork done. However, after a few hours of not seeing the NoLife King, she began to wonder what trouble he was getting into. Alucard always had a nasty habit of bothering his current master whenever he was bored. Integra preferred him bored though; mostly because whenever he wasn't, he was either destroying something or scaring the crap out of the staff. _Alucard, come._ She ordered and after a minute, her vampire didn't show. _Alucard, come_ she repeated but there was still no response. Annoyed, the head of Hellsing got up and headed to the basement to drag her servant to her office by his fangs.

She threw open his door in a fit of anger and was about to lecture him as she dragged him when she saw just what was occupying her monster's time. He was cross-stitching. A book of patterns lay open on his end table with the fabric and thread in his lap. The Nosferatu looked up after completing a section of whatever it was he copying from the book and took a small pencil and crossed off some of the little squares in the book and returned the pencil to its resting place behind his ear. "Good evening, Master," he grinned and leaned back in his chair as he watched his dumb-founded master stare at him.

Integra knew she was staring and knew that her vampire was enjoying her staring. After another half a minute, she was able to get over her shock and glare at him, "I've summoned you twice…what are you doing?" Her lecture trailed off as the strange sight started to sink in.

"Cross-stitching, master," he replied as if he was talking about something normal like the weather. Alucard grinned again and resumed his work. Too curious to be angry, Integra walked closer to see just what image he was forming. She looked at the mess in his lap and the image in the book. A bat. _I should've known_ she thought.

"That hardly looks like a bat, servant," the woman commented. The vampire gave a light shrug and continued his work.

"I am still learning," he commented without looking up. _Obviously_ Integra mused.

"Why are you cross-stitching?" The question sounded dumb even in her head but she couldn't stop herself from asking it.

This time her vampire looked up at her with a grin that said that her question was indeed stupid, "I was bored." The master of the monster could only stare at him.

"But cross-stitching?" She gestured at the thread to further prove her point, "why?"

Alucard shrugged again, "why not?" Feeling like she had entered an alternate dimension, Integra left her monster to his new hobby; forgetting all about the reason she was down in the basement to begin with.

Integra sat behind her desk in her office and was staring at the work in front of her, her mind still on the scene of Alucard cross-stitching. Leaning back, she lit her cigar and sighed, "I'm still not going to be able to get any work done."

* * *

And there you go! I'm taking a break from my "King Nothing" story in hopes that doing something different will help get my creative juices flowing. Besides, the idea of Alucard cross-stitching was too funny NOT to do.

If you have any suggestions on what other strange hobbies Alucard should do, feel free to let me know.


	2. Karaoke

Disclaimer: I still don't own Hellsing or Alucard

Walter was serving Integra tea when all of a sudden the ground shook and the sound of stereos screeched. The tea leapt from the cup in the butler's startled hands and barely missed the leader of Hellsing. "What the bloody hell was that?" Integra demanded and stood up out of her chair so fast that the chair tipped over.

"It seems like it came from the basement, Sir Integra," Walter informed. _What the bloody hell is that idiot up to now? _Integra wondered and stormed to the basement stairs with Walter hot on her heels. Both paused at the top of the stairs to hear music rush up the stairs with a very familiar voice singing.

"When the devil is too busy, and Death's a bit too much. They call me by name you see, for my special touch," followed the music up the stairs, created by a voice that was much more baritone than the song called for.

With ever pause of the singer; another higher voice would be cheering, "yay, Master! You sing so well!" Integra and Walter sighed and proceeded down the steps to see just what was going on; not that they didn't know already. In the basement hall was a karaoke machine with a TV hooked up to it showing the lyrics of the song being played. Alucard was standing on two end tables pushed together with Seras sitting in front of him clapping and cheering. Neither vampire seemed to take notice of the two bewildered humans staring at them in disbelief.

"To the Gentlemen I'm Miss Fortune. To the Ladies I'm Sir Prize. But call me by any name, any way it's all the same," Alucard continued, holding the microphone to his mouth as he moved about on the makeshift stage. Seras continued to cheer at her master. "I'm the fly in your soup. I'm the pebble in your shoe. I'm the pea beneath your bed. I'm a bump on every head. I'm the peel on which you slip. I'm a pin in every hip. I'm the thorn in your side. Makes you wriggle and writhe. And it's so easy when you're evil. This is the life, you see. The Devil tips his hat to me. I do it all because I'm evil. And I do it all for free. Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need," the NoLife King continued to sing and the stereos connected to the karaoke machine continued to screech and scream due to the fact that they were not made to handle a vampire's voice or a vampire's volume. Finally having enough, Integra walked over to the outlet that had been overloaded with plugs and yanked them out of the wall. The machine instantly died and the surprise at the sudden lack of noise caused the vampire to lose his footing and the end tables to tip and send said Nosferatu to the floor. The fledgling leapt up from her seat on the floor and rushed to her master's side to make sure he was alright. Alucard pushed the tables off of himself and sat up and grinned over at his master, "did you not like it, Master?"

Sir Hellsing rubbed the bridge of her nose with her eyes shut and opened them suddenly to glare at her servant, "what the bloody hell did you think you were doing?" Walter walked over from behind her to retrieve the end tables and return them to two rooms that they had come from originally.

"Karaoke, Master," Alucard answered and Seras pointed at the machine as though she thought Integra wouldn't know what the machine was.

Integra rubbed her forehead this time in hopes it would keep the approaching headache at bay, "I can see that. Why were you doing Karaoke? I thought you were cross-stitching, Alucard."

The vampire gave a shrug as he pushed himself off the floor and dusted his rear end of debris. "I am cross-stitching, just not tonight. Tonight is Karaoke Night," he grinned and walked over to plug the machine back in. Integra stepped on the cord and glared at her servant with a look that said "don't even think about it." Alucard simply grinned and walked back over to where the machine was. "No matter, I know the lyrics to the song," he picked up the mic despite there being no power and opened his mouth to resume singing when Integra shot him in the mouth. Alucard started laughing and his head rematerialized, "perhaps tomorrow will be Karaoke Night." The elder vampire disappeared through a wall with his fledgling following him through the door.

Integra returned to her office with Walter pouring her a fresh cup of tea as she signed more documents. Again the floor shook with the sound of stereo's screeching. This time no tea was spilt. Integra set down her pen and took in a deep breath, "**ALUCARD!"**

**

* * *

**I got the idea from aras-vengeance on Deviantart from her picture "When you're evil". I was laughing as I wrote this


	3. Facebook

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing, someone else does.

_It's quiet,_ Integra thought, _too quiet. What the bloody hell is that idiot up to now?_ Sir Hellsing never trusted a quiet mansion, especially with Alucard around. Whenever it was quiet, it usually meant that her vampire was breaking something quietly in the hopes of not getting caught in the act. It amazed her sometimes that something so old could be so immature. Seras had a higher maturity level than him and she was a fraction of his age! She was about to get up when her laptop next to her chimed at the sound of a new email. Integra decided that shooting Alucard could wait another half a minute to be found and shot. She opened the email to see it was an invite for her to join Facebook. The invitation was from one _Alucard Hellsing_. The knight was ready to shoot the computer at the sight of that. After pushing the impulse to shoot the computer aside, a question struck her. _Where the bloody hell did he get a computer?_ Her thoughts were interrupted at Pip burst into the office.

"That damn vampire!" He shouted and then continued in French with what sounded like more cursing. He stopped when he saw the look Integra was giving him. "Alucard stole my laptop while I was training!" The mercenary was thoroughly pissed that the ancient vampire had disappeared with his computer and was secretly worried that the Nosferatu would blab about his collection of porn on the hard drive.

_That explains where he got the bloody thing_ Integra mused and let out an irritated sigh. "Alucard," she ordered and the vampire materialized through the wall with said stolen laptop tucked under his arm. He grinned over at Pip who started shouting at him to give him back his computer. The Roundtable knight watched Pip try and retrieve his computer unsuccessfully. She finally ordered him to return the stupid thing to Pip and the French mercenary left, cursing in French under his breath. She turned her own towards him so he could see the still open email. "Facebook, Alucard?" The NoLife King grinned. Letting curiosity get the better of her, Integra asked, "just what do you do on Facebook?"

"Play games of course," the vampire replied and tilted his head slightly so his sunglasses reflected the light in the office.

"What kind of games," Integra knew she would regret the question but couldn't help but ask.

"Café World and Vampire Wars mostly," he shrugged but his grin never left his face. Integra didn't go on Facebook but had heard enough about the website to know about those two games. Deciding it best to leave it there, she ordered him not to steal anymore computers and dismissed him. After he left, Integra stared at the screen again.

"Bloody idiot," she muttered and a note to get him his own computer so he wouldn't be tempted to find a loophole in her order. _"Get one for Police Girl as well, Master." _She heard in her head. The knight forcefully pushed Alucard from her mind and closed her own laptop for a moment before opening it up again. Rereading the email Alucard had sent her, she clicked "accept".

* * *

I couldn't resist! This one has been stewing in my head for about a week now. I was going to write it up sooner but got the flu


	4. Cooking

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing

"It is quite the peaceful night," Walter signed contentedly to himself. Integra had gone to bed and the two vampires were quietly occupying themselves. He was just about to head to bed when a large bang erupted from one of the kitchens. The aging butler rushed to see what could have caused such an explosion. It didn't take long for Integra to join him, wrapped in a house coat. The old butler opened the door to see the kitchen almost completely covered in batter of some kind with a blackened oven still smoking. The small table had been turned on its side and made into an impromptu shield.

"What the bloody hell happened?" Integra exclaimed. At her voice, Seras poked out from behind the "shield". The two humans looked over at her and knew this was not her doing. _Wherever Seras is, Alucard isn't far away, _Integra sighed, "where is Alucard."

"Over there, over there, and up there," the fledgling vampire pointed to the various places her master landed; in three large chunks was Alucard, slowly oozing off of the walls and reforming himself.

"What were you doing, you git?" Integra demanded once Alucard reformed himself.

"Baking," the master vampire answered.

_Okay, I'll bite, _"why were you baking?" Integra asked.

He pulled a book from his coat that had somehow survived the blast, "I wanted to try a recipe."

"You don't eat," the woman stated.

"You do," was his response.

"I will not eat anything you make," his master stated. Another thought occurred to her, "how did you blow up the oven?"

"The book said to preheat the oven to 250°C, I was lighting the oven," he answered. The oven in the small kitchen he had chosen happened to be gas.

"You took a match to a gas oven?" Integra yelled.

"I tried to tell him that he didn't have too and that it was dangerous," Sera muttered. The two humans sighed and the vampires were dismissed with the order to not bake anymore.

The mess had finally been cleaned up and Walter was once more ready to retire for the evening when another bang echoed through the mansion. "She forgot to add cooking to her order," he sighed and left to see the damage he had created this time.

* * *

I got this idea while frying up some burgers…go figure. I'm still on the lookout for a beta reader for both this fic and my King Nothing fic. Let me know if you're interested.


	5. Swimming

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing and this chapter idea came from Deadpan Riot

Integra had decided to take a break from paperwork to watch TV. The Hellsing leader rarely had time for something so domestic and mind numbing that she enjoyed the rare opportunity she got to give her brain a break. Clunk…clunk…**wham! **She pushed the mute button on the remote to make sure that the sound wasn't coming from the TV. Clunk…clunk…**wham!** Definitely not the TV; with some reluctance, she turned the TV off and started following the noise. It was no surprise when it led her to the stairs leading to the basement. What was a surprise was the fact that several steps were missing. Well, they weren't missing; they were a pile of rubble at the top of the stairs. Thinking for a moment on how to get to the basement, she was interrupted by an entirely new sound. **Splash!** _Splash?_ Wondered the knight. Integra walked away from the foot of the stairs to retrieve a flashlight and come back. She flicked on the light and saw that halfway up the missing stairs, was water and the level was getting higher. She was about to yell when a very wet Seras climbed up the gap. The surprised Draculina gasped when she saw Integra and realized she would now have to either answer Integra's questions and face Alucard's wrath or refuse to answer them and face Integra's wrath. Seeing the conflict in the fledgling's eyes, Integra cut her a break, "where are you going?"

Seras blinked when she realized she wouldn't be interrogated. "I'm getting an air mattress out of storage," the young vampire answered cautiously.

_I know I'm going to regret this, _Integra mentally sighed. "Why do you need an air mattress?"

"Um…." The Draculina trailed off, trying to decide which wrath was the lesser of two evils.

"I'll deal with Alucard. Why do you need an air mattress?" Integra repeated.

Seras gulped but nodded, "Master flooded the basement to practice swimming. Would you like me to get you an air mattress too, Sir Integra?"

The woman of steel took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose before nodding, "yes, thank you." Seras ran off to get the air mattresses and blow them up. She returned a few minutes later with two inflated air mattresses and threw them into the water below. The water had risen so it was almost level with the remaining stairs and stopped. Integra briefly wondered how Alucard managed to get the hose into the basement in the first place. Seras climbed onto hers first to help steady Integra's. Once both women were on their makeshift boats, they paddled to where Alucard currently was. Integra led the way so the NoLife King wouldn't have direct access to his fledgling, not that she entirely believed Alucard would ever be violent with the Police Girl. Integra positioned her flashlight on the pillow of the mattress to light up where she was going and stopped when a flash of red passed beneath her under the water. A surprised shout came from Seras followed by a loud splash. Integra turned around to see Seras' air mattress upside and wobbling a bit from the ripples caused by Seras being pushed into the water. The Draculina's head popped to the surface and with a little effort climbed back onto her mattress. "That wasn't very nice, Master!" Seras scolded at the water.

"Alucard, show yourself," Integra ordered and almost immediately a very wet Alucard surfaced with a Cheshire grin on his face. "What the bloody hell are you doing _now,_ you git?" Integra ordered.

"Swimming," the Nosferatu grinned.

Integra hated with a passion his one word answers, "I can see that. Why are you swimming?"

Alucard disappeared under the water and resurfaced with a laminated picture of an American Olympic swimmer, "I want to show up him."

Integra took the picture and sighed, "the Olympics only happen once every four years, and you won't be entering in them when they come around again."

"Why not?" If Integra didn't know any better, she would've thought her vampire was disappointed.

"They do blood tests on the athletes," Sir Hellsing stated and effectively shut Alucard up for a moment. While Alucard had no issue being blown to bits, he absolutely hated needles. The No Life King looked at his wet creation with disappointment and Integra wondered briefly if she would regret this later. "I'm going to get something more appropriate for a pool on. By the time I come back, I want to be able to see where I'm going," Integra informed and began to paddle back towards the stairs, "I'm sure Walter can find something for you Seras." The Draculina beamed and followed Integra back to "shore".

Half an hour later, Integra and Seras returned in one piece bathing suits with towels folded neatly near the foot of the stairs for when they had had enough. Both women returned to their floatation devices and paddled along. Alucard had found a number of LED Lanterns and placed them in water-tight containers and then onto plastic plates to float; it gave the basement an almost romantic feel to it. The Nosferatu had even found himself an air mattress to use and was happily floating in the submerged basement. Walter even sat at the edge with his pants rolled up and feet in the water. Using Alucard's idea for the lanterns, he put Integra's and the vampire's dinner in containers and onto plates and pushed them towards the lounging trio. The three ate their respective meals and floated with Walter enjoying keeping just his feet in the water. Integra closed her eyes and lay on the air mattress, oblivious to the vampire that had submerged itself in the water again and was now beneath her. With a sudden splash, Integra was in the water and her air mattress was roaming away because of the ripples. Coughing and sputtering, Integra resurfaced caught her breath and turned to see the grinning culprit. She opened her mouth to yell at him but he splashed her and once more she was coughing water out of her lungs. "Two can play that game, servant," Integra warned and splashed her pet vampires. Instead of being surprised, the vampire's grin got larger and splashed his master back. It didn't take long for Seras to be dragged into the splash fight as well.

Once all three were drenched and tired, Integra swam back to where the stairs were and pulled herself out. She took the towel Walter offered her and wrapped it around soaked form. The Hellsing woman turned to Alucard who was still in the water grinning. "I want the water gone by tomorrow night. Drain it **outside**, I don't want the rest of the manor flooded, "Integra ordered and mentally grinned when Alucard's face fell somewhat. She headed upstairs to her room to dry completely off and go to bed, making a mental note to have a pool installed on the grounds somewhere. _No indoor pool, Master?_ Alucard asked in her head. "No, Alucard, no indoor pool," Integra confirmed and climbed into bed. She was just about to fall asleep when a very wet vampire stood beside her.

"Be honest, Master, did you have fun?" He asked her.

Integra yawned and nodded, "yes Alucard. I had fun now go clean up the basement." The vampire melted through the floor, leaving a puddle of water where he had stood. She was about to fall asleep when she heard the mercenaries begin shouting. _You forgot to include the barracks, master_ Alucard told her. Integra lay there for a moment and decided that she would deal with the angry mercenaries tomorrow. Tonight, she would rest and think of just where she could have the pool put in.

* * *

I loved Deadpan riot's idea so much that I finally have a story that is good enough. I wanted to go with something that could still be considered funny but has a softer side to it. I doubt I'm going to make any pairings but that's no reason to not explore Alucard and Integra's relationship a bit.


	6. Books

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing

Seras had just woken up and there were no immediate orders for her to head out and blow up her undead brethren so she had decided to go to the manor's library and read for a bit. Her plan was cut short because all the books were missing from the shelves. Immediately she suspected her master was up to something but decided to check with Integra before inquiring to her master where the books disappeared to.

Integra had been signing papers and approving the expenses for the Olympic sized swimming pool that was going to be installed when the ground thawed when a timid knock came from the door. "Come in," Sir Hellsing called and the door creaked openly slowly. Seras poked her head in and looked over at Integra who was still sitting behind her desk, waiting patiently for the nervous Nosferatu.

"Um, I was just wondering if some work was being done to the library," Seras asked.

This immediately alerted Integra, she had approved nothing that had to do with the library, "why do you ask, Police Girl?"

"Well, all the books are missing," Seras answered and Integra let out an irritated sigh.

"I'm also to assume that your master is missing as well," she shook her head and rubbed the bridge of her nose. The woman of steel stood up and headed towards the door, "it's safe to assume that the books and Alucard will be in the same place."

"Wouldn't it just be easier to summon him, Sir?" Seras asked as she followed Integra out the door.

"Yes but then I would have to play an annoying game of twenty questions with him," Integra answered, _besides, I don't want to do paperwork anyways._ Seras shrugged and followed Integra out into the grounds where the mercenaries were rushing to their barracks to get their weapons. _This has Alucard written all over it_ Integra thought and stopped one of the mercenaries. "What is going on?" She demanded.

The mercenary stopped and looked over at Integra and shook his head, "I don't know! This fortress just suddenly sprung up on the grounds!" The mercenary continued on his way to get his guns and every other weapon he could. _Yup, Alucard written it all over it_ Integra mentally sighed and followed the mercenaries to a growing fortress made almost entirely out of books. _That explains the books_ Integra mused and walked over to where the "drawbridge" was. Seras could only gape at the structure.

"It looks like something out of Dracula!" Seras exclaimed, "…but made out of books."

"Alright, you git, I know you're in there, open up!" Integra demanded and the "drawbridge" lowered to let Integra and Seras inside. The inside of the fortress was more impressive than the outside, everything was made out of books or random debris the vampire had found lying around. _I have a feeling that the barracks have lost all their books as well_ Sir Hellsing sighed and kept going. Seras kept gawking at the work her master had done. Finally they found Alucard in the "throne room" sitting on a chair that looked suspiciously like the one he had in his room in the basement. The Nosferatu sat on his throne grinning.

"What do you think, Master?" He gestured to the room around him. The vampire had outdone himself on this; there were even paper people! Seras walked over to one of the vampire's "subjects" and the paper fell away to reveal a wooden frame. Alucard hadn't made the people all out of paper, to Integra's relief, but had just covered a frame in paper. It was still bad but at least it wasn't as bad.

"Where did you get all these books?" Sir Hellsing asked and immediately dreaded the answer, "I know that all these don't belong to me."

"Books stores," Alucard grinned, "in Germany." The Hellsing leader nearly dropped from shock. Her vampire had robbed Germany for their books.

"Please don't tell me that your 'subjects' aren't made out of the books from Germany," Integra sighed.

Alucard's grin got bigger, "okay." Seras almost couldn't stop herself from laughing. Her master had stolen books from a different country and built a fortress out of them all in one night. The fledgling did not envy Integra right now. The No Life King simply sat on his throne, grinning, while he waited for Integra to continue.

"Why isn't your chair made out of books, Master?" Seras asked and tilted her head somewhat. It would only make sense that his chair would be made of the same material as everything else.

"Throne, Police Girl," Alucard corrected and frowned slightly, "I couldn't get the book throne to bear weight. It wouldn't even hold yours, Police Girl."

Seras stopped and thought for a second before she found the insult that she knew was in there, "are you saying I'm fat?"

"Of course not, Police Girl," Alucard grinned, "I'm saying those are." The ancient vampire looked down at her chest and then back up at her and just waited for the mushroom cloud he knew was coming.

"What?" Seras immediately covered her chest with her arms as her face turned bright red, "there's nothing wrong with these!"

"I never said there was, they're just fat," Alucard agreed and suddenly disappeared when one of his subjects was suddenly thrown at his throne.

Integra watched as Seras chased Alucard around with another one of his paper people and shook her head, "it's like watching children." The woman of steel left her vampires to their bickering as she went inside to come up with a way to either get the books back into one piece and back to Germany or a way to replace all the books without bankrupting herself or England.

I was going to do yoga but I couldn't think of anything I like so I hope you all enjoy this


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